Friday, 2nd July 2010
1. Cited for "obscure requests at the beginning of a training ride", Mr D Evans.
Not "how's about maintaining 19mph tonight" or "20 second sprints
for every crest" or someother beneficial exercise with apparent
training effect. Oh no. And I quote: "Hold my bike whilst I
get my hair cut". Eh? What? Did he just say....?
Where's he gone? WTF?!!!!!!!!!!! El Bizarro.
Sunday, 13th 2010
1. Cited for "the blind leading the blind", Mr C Davies (oh hang on, for clarity, that's Cynan!).
Tour of Pembrokeshire, 100 miles gone, somewhere just
outside Saundersfoot.... Confused [non-local] Rider: "Which way
to Saundersfoot, mate". Heroic Cynan: "Follow me".
Confused, more tired rider: "Isn't that Narbeth".
Quietening Cynan: "Er, yes. Nearly there". Nearly
dead rider: "A U turn? Seriously?" Speeding Away Cynan: "The next 15
miles will fly by, trust me." Cynan, or TomTom as I like to know
him as, was last seen dodging thrown energy gels and gooey bananas in
the general vicinity of South Pembrokeshire. If found, please
bring him home.
Sunday, 28th February 2010
1. Cited for "not sticking to his own advice", Mr C Davies.
Whilst merrily passing folk on the first downhill section of the
Daffodil Sportive, Captain Catastrophe sagely offered well-intended
advice to the younger members... "take your time down here...", "mind
how you go, it's a bit slippy..." and other super snippets. So
it was then, with great amusement, that the whole field of riders
that Major Disaster had just passed to catch up with Team VT, witnessed
our hapless Chairman plummet headlong into the scenery having
completely failed to negotiate the first corner on the first downhill
to become the first rider to plant his face into the brambles. Loon.
Sunday, 20th September 2009
1. Cited for "use of a highly implausible story to avoid Mwnt hill", Mr B Lewis, Mr H Williams and Mr P Evans (is
he a member yet?). They muttered something about a phonecall, a
badger and a doorstep; all highly dubious but
sufficiently distracting that they could not attend a very
important photoshoot at Mwnt Church. We were very disappointed.
Sunday, 23rd August 2009
1. Cited for "lying down in the rain", Mr A Maguire. Oh sorry, you'd fallen off.. my mistake. Mind the kerb!
An indeterminate day in June 2009
1. Cited for "bringing us
all closer to the re-instatement of the Cold War and generally failing
to maintain good east/west relations", Mr & Mrs I Morris. The
poor driver, let's call him Mr Sheen (Polish - geddit?) was meandering
along quiet backroads when he was accosted by two irate bikeys.
Or something like that.
2. Cited for "riding in a
manner likley to impede the progress of a luxury German saloon", Mr
& Mrs I Morris. Yep, Mr Sheen again. Rumours that Mr
Sheen is actually an East European Mafia-type gang leader remain
uncorroborated at present. Still, why let the lack of any facts
get in the way of a good headline? Oh dear, we've become
the Tivyside...
Sunday 3rd May 2009
1. Cited for "Abandonment of a Minor into the Care of Dubious
Company", Those Velo Teifi Members who left Young Tom (read: couldn’t keep
up with...) to the care and nurture of our very own Robin “Single Entendre”
Thomas for the duration of the Preseli Angel.
Over five hours of exposure to this cycling monster has, reportedly,
left Young Tom wandering around the school yards muttering obscenities, passing
inappropriate comments to all and sundry and interpreting all comments in his
vicinity as innuendo. You should all be
ashamed.
2. Cited for “Having
the Audacity to Encroach into Man’s Domain of Bragging Rights”, Mrs M
Morris. With a post-ride libation or two
heartily quaffed down, Mrs M duly set about a qualified leap into the sacred
ground of “Man’s World” that pertains to the bragging rights in regard to the sizing
of personal appendages... Mags, we get
it. Received and understood. You win.
3. Cited for “Being
Unfeasibly Quick”, Mr W Long. Congratulations
again Wayne on another display of stupidly fast cycling; very impressive, very
strong, very intimidating. You freak.
Sunday, 22nd March 2009
1. Cited for "That Hair", Mr D Evans. Do I really need to say anymore?
Sunday 14th December 2008
1. Cited for "Sartorial Sloppiness", Mr I Morris.
Just as
he was managing to shake off the Gok Kwan accusation of poor
co-ordination, our very own re-coordinated rider goes and lets himself
down with a jacket that is clearly overdue (by about two
months) a
visit to the laundromat. Come Ioan, let Pauline Fowler get to
grips
with that MTB-remnant now. Shocking, no wonder your wife chooses to ride
apart from you.
2. Cited for "Crimesa-Againsta-Italiano-Designa", Mr I
Morris.
Seriously, he doesn't do things by halves, does he?
A
double-citing again. Is it just me or is it truly offensive
to
take a bella
Bianchi bicycle
that oozes carbon and campagnolo loveliness and then stick on, with
bits of string and tape, some Made-in-Taiwan plazzy mudguards?
"...I want no
inquiries made. I want no acts of vengeance. I want you to arrange a
meeting with the heads of the Five Families. This war stops now. Call
Bonasera. We're going to need him now..." Don Corleone, The
Godfather (1972). Mr Morris, one more citation
and it could the horse's-head-in-a-bed, my friend. Oh yes.
3. Cited for "Offensive use of the Zig-Zag ", Mr W Long.
No, not the awful 80's GMTV telly puppets, but the unorthadox
and
terrifying style adopted today by Wobbly Wayne. Not content
with
propelling the not-insubstantial H Evans into the hedge, Wandering
Wayne then set about the club Secretary, seemingly determined to see
her catapulted into the nearest cowpat. See previous comments
about equine-appendages, young man...
4. Cited for "Being an Unconvincing Surf Dude", Mr A Lindsay.
With barely believable tales of "hanging
ten",
"carving bottom turns" on "sick waves" that refuse to "close out" etc,
etc... our infamous HMoC regaled us with stories of 20 foot
monsters, ridden to within an inch of human capability. Or
did I
just make that up? Anyway, next summer, VTCC will be
arranging a
[non-cycling] day at Freshwater East to chill out and watch in awe as I
am made to eat my [written] words. Er hem, totally rad dude; caught my
first tube this morning... excellent, stoked in fakey stylee
with a goofy kook
avoiding the men in grey suits. That's it, no
more, honest.
5. Cited for "Sneaky Solo Sunday Sycling[!]", Mr B Lewis.
After seeing the gathered VTCC mass seemingly 'leave town'
for
the morning's ride, out he crept from his den... Furtively
edging
forward, safe in the knowledge "them pesky kids" had gone and left him
to a peaceful morning, it was with pure horror that our Mr Lewis
realised his gross mistake. Damn it! They were
still there!
The sneaky gits had simply moved from eyeshot to shelter from
a
passing shower. "Drat! The plan's ruined and I've
been
rumbled", Mr Lewis mumbled to himself as he sheepishly waved to the,
frankly agog, crowd. The crowd wondered, "Why is he crawling
along the floor behind that car? Why won't he make eye
contact?
Why is he wearing dark glasses, turned-up collars
and a
Trilby?" So many questions. Hope you had a good
ride Barri.
Sunday 28th September 2008
1. Cited for "B-A-Y-C-I-T-Y-R-O-double L-E-R-S, Bay City
Rollers
are the best", Mr A Lindsay. If s**t-for brains Davies had
not
lost his camera, there would be qualifying evidence for all to feast
their eyes upon, as it is, you'll have to trust me. Our very
own
HM of Cycling (what do you mean, "What does HM stand for?") prepared
himself for today's assault on Brechfa by dressing up in glorious
tartan head gear, platform boots and a garish long scarf... I may have
exaggereted the last bits. Suffice to say, we did not need
the
accompanying choruses of Bye Bye Baby for the duration of the
trip. There is a rumour he has "I love Les McKeown" tattooed on his
arse...
2. Cited for "Not understanding a word of the above", Young
Tom K. Google it Tom, or ask your Mum!
3. Cited for "Amateur Photographer of the Year", Mr C Davies.
You've lost your camera. T**t. Stupid
a**e. K**b.
4. Cited for "Being the Master of the Single-Entendre", Mr R
Thomas. No subtleties here, oh no. I dare you to a
have a
conversation without a phnarr,
phnarr, occuring after about, ooh, four and half seconds.
Dirt tracks and rim problems? Don't even go there...
Sunday 21st September 2008
1. Cited for "Hedge Munching", Mr W Long. As an
established
horticulturist, the blatant disregard for our countryside's beauty was
shocking. Leaping into the scenary at great speed might
impress
some, but frankly your co-riders were shocked - leave the plants alone,
let them be. What d'you mean it was a crash? Oh, er, right...
in
that case...
2. Cited for "Abandoning a fellow rider", all those that were
riding.... ah, who cares? I liked the Hedge Munching story...
Saturday 20th September 2008
1. Cited for "Persistent and Systematic Bicycle Abuse", Mr A
McGuire. Yes he's a newby and yes we should cut him some
slack.
Well, we did - after the seat-post snapping incident.
But
then came the pedal pounding incident... and it wasn't his bike!
I hope Mrs McGuire is an understanding woman....
Shocking
behaviour... long may it last!
Sunday 24th August 2008
1. Cited for "Riding with Gay Abandon", those VTCC members -
you
know who you are - that abandoned today's guests from foreign
countries (England and Scotland). It's not often we get to
see
the younger, sorry, less experienced members of the Portsmouth Clan,
but when they do turn up, it does seem plain rude that we leave them
for dead in the banjo-wielding backwaters of Cynwyl Elfed. It
does seem a genuine cock-up occurred here, however, we do like to have
a person to blame (it's so much neater come Christmas awards time) and
in this instance it would seem that we should be pointing an accusatory
digit at..., um, er, well, hmmm.... Michelle!!
There, we've
said it. For some reason, the evilness-personified that is
Mrs
Lewis, chose not to make sure that the really caring, nay
angelic
and generally very nice VTCC members present today were aware of the
predicament our Scottish chum was in, thus condemning Braveheart to the
ignominy of a roadside faff and, ultimately, recovery by car.
Why
d'you do it Lewis, why? Michelle was last seen pedalling le dancement
up the hill to Newchapel whilst cackling and screeching 'let them
suffer, let them suffer... ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...." Honest,
she
was, I swear...
2. Cited for "Leading like Myopic McPhee on a dark night
whilst
wearing a blindfold in a blackout", Mr C Davies. No wait,
what am
I saying? Clearly this is nonsense, we weren't lost....
Anyway,it
was Wayne's fault... seriously.
Sunday 27th July 2008
1. Cited for "Treason [against the VTCC]", Mrs
M Lewis, Ms Sheila Williams, Mr M Rees, Mr A Lindsay, Mstr T
Kurowski, Mr I Morris, Mr D Evans. Here is the
news.
A shocking event unfolded today at the Temple Bar cafe, near
Nevern. Led by an assortment of ne'er-do-well custard eaters,
an
attempt was made to overthrow the already weakened Chairman in order to
transform the Velo Teifi Cycling Club into the Velo Teifi Pudding Club.
In a gratuitous display of over indulgence and suger-loading,
VTCC members shocked the gathered local community by ordering
the
most sickly, over-sweetened heart-attacks-in-a-bowl, then proceeding to
gorge themselves in an outrageous display of slurping, licking and
general consumption. Especially worrying, was the corruption
of
'Young Tom' led. as he was, into the Valley of Death by our
not-so-Light Brigade. But the puddings did look very
gooooood.......
2. Cited for "Pantani-esque Pain Infliction", Mstr
Tom Kurowski. Oh dear, two citings in one day.
Young Tom -
you must remember that the majority of your club-mates are old farts.
What's worse, we're old farts who, in our minds, still
believe we
can climb mountians like you, Young Tom. Therefore, when on a
particlularly tough climb and you look back to see the
sweating,
panting, grimacing, swearing, vomiting and contorted faces of said Old
Farts pathetically trying to hold on to your back wheel, please show
some sympathy as opposed to simply transforming into Marco Pantini,
going low on the drops and stomping off into the distance...
Nasty boy. (We're only jealous! And
desparate.
And, in the main, pitiful...)
June to July (to 25th July) 2008
1. Cited for "Slovenly and
Lengthy, Obvious Poster Presentational Inadaquacies (SLOPPI)", Mr T
Wells. Why should it be that our favourite local bike shop
should
be guilty of being SLOPPI? Come on Thomas, buy some Blu-tac
and
stop relying on leftover Wrigley's from shop visitors. (Other
chewing gum brands are available).
Sunday 13th July 2008
1. Cited for "Crimes against
Coordination", Mr I Morris. Oh dear, two club rides, two
citations. It's not good... As for the citing, well, red
shorts/gold and blue top.... oooh, quick, call Trinny and Susanna.
Until such time that another faux pas is revealed by other
careless riders, Mr Morris will hold the Gok Kwan award... inside we
suspect he's screaming... As for the information that the
shorts
were 'low cut', that's just too much information on a preference for
revealing or 'peek-a-boo' clothing... tsk, tsk.
2.
Cited for "Inappropriate use of Superlatives", Mr D Evans.
This may be harsh as Mr Evans is clearly suffering some form
of
mental anguish which, it is suspected, has been induced by a clever
perpetrator of the medical profession who has evidently
spent Tuesday evening rides subliminally convincing Mr Evans
that
he, the Master of Medicine, is a "Hard Man of Cycling". So
complete has been the weakening of Mr Evans, that he (Mr Evans) was
unable to prevent himself from blurting out the mind-melded description
of our peddling doctor. Actualy, come to think of it...
3.
Cited for "Not using his Powers for Good", Mr A Lindsay.
Shocking abuse of medical skills. Beware, do not make eye contact or
enter into general discourse with this man. You may come away
thinking spelendid things about him... but he does have nice
legs, very strong... this is why he's known as the 'Hard Man of....' Oh
my god, help! Help me!
Sunday 30th June 2008
1. Cited for "Cleat Abuse", Mr H Forster. A shameless attempt
to
scrape the living daylights out of his cleats at 30+ mph. If
approached, please ignore his pitifull story about near death, high
speed (nearly) crashes - this was nothing more than equipment abuse in
its purest form.
2. Cited for "Shocking Disrepair", Mr I Morris. State of the
art
loveliness from Italy should be cleaned at least once a year, sir.
No excuses. If the Chairman can spend 28 hours a
week
buffing his equipment (!), SO CAN YOU. Shameful performance,
we
expect better things in the coming months...
3. Cited for "Obsolete Sticker Display", Mr M Rees. Yes,
you've
done some events - now spend some time cleaning the 1p stickers of your
£££'s machine! Almosr cited for
"Shocking
Disrepair". Don't sink that low, please.
4. Cited for "Inadvertant Deflation of Fellow Members Ego", Mr M Rees.
Oh dear, a second citation... You know that some of our
members
love their bicycles more than life itself. Enquiring as to
whether a certain club members machine being ridden today 'was his
best', only to follow it up by commenting the actual 'best bike' looked
well worn was, frankly, cruel. His little chest deflating and
the
tears welling up were visible to all. On the up side though,
we
laughed so hard that some of us actual wet... :-)